By and by Lord, by and by

I've been in a funk the past week. I've been thinking a lot. I have tried the ole Ferguson grief technique of pushing all feelings way down deep but they always find a way out. Plus, I'm not near as stoic as some of my family is or like I try to be. I do most of my thinking when I rock Char to sleep. That time used to be my quiet time to pray but the past few days I haven't prayed. I start to but my mind wonders.
Here's a few things I think about:

I hate that my Mammaw died in the hospital. I can't stop dwelling on the fact that when she left her house to go get her back pain checked out that she wouldn't ever go back. I wish she would have died at home where she was comfortable.

She did however die holding my dad's and his sister's hands. So even though she wasn't at home, she wasn't alone. Even better she was with her kids. How poetic that she was there for their first breaths of life and they were there for her last.

I've been thinking a lot about the roles we have in life. My Mammaw was mother to 5 kids, sister to 10 siblings, grandmother to 11 grandkids, and great grandmother to 6 great grandkids. I have always just been daughter and granddaughter. Then in recent years I've become wife and mother. And now that all of my grandparents are gone I'm not granddaughter anymore. Charlotte has slipped in to my role, me into my parents role and now they into my grandparents roles. True we have had these roles since January when Char was born. But it's different now. I feel older and feel more responsibility somehow. Maybe because my parents no longer have the child role. As cheesy as it sounds-it's the circle of life. My parents don't seem old enough to be like the grandparents I remember. But maybe that's because I don't feel old enough to be my parents.

My Mammaw's house was the last connection to my childhood. I don't have that childhood home. Mammaw's was the only place I had that stayed the same my whole life. It will be a sad day when they sell it. As long as I can remember we have always has Christmas at Mammaw's and the word is we will all try to get together there again this year.

Along with the Christmas train of thought, she always made hello dollie cookies. Always. They were packed into the tins that she collected. She was so thrifty. She never would have bought a new Christmas tin for her cookies, she just saved the ones she had. Also no matter what the meal was we had, even takeout, she always made me green beans. Because I loved her fresh green beans.

This is common but I feel like I need some sort of closure or something. I feel the need to honor her some way or make a way to remember her by. Something. She loved Unity Broadcasting and her obituary requested people to make donations on lieu of flowers. I haven't donated yet. I feel like it isn't enough. She always saved cans and cashed them in for money even though she didn't need it. She was very thrifty and throwing away cans would have been like throwing money in the trash. I thought about saving our cans and donating that money to unity broadcasting. That would have more meaning perhaps. I dunno.

Another random thought, I wasn't completely sure about having a 2nd kid but now I'm thinking it would be nice to have a big family like Mammaw did. 5 kids? Hmm maybe not that many. 3? 4? I dunno. I bet it sure was nice to have so many people to love you and to love.

Will the circle be unbroken

This was played at the funeral:


I was standing by my window
On a cold and cloudy day
When I saw the hearse come rollin'
For to take my mother away.

Will the circle be unbroken?
By and by lord, by and by,
There's a better home a-waitin'
In the sky lord, in the sky.

I told the undertaker:
"undertaker, please drive slow,
For this body you are haulin'
Lord, I hate to see her go".

Will the circle be unbroken?
By and by lord, by and by,
There's a better home a-waitin'
In the sky lord, in the sky.

Well I followed close behind her,
Tried to hold up and be brave,
But I could not hide my sorrow
When they laid her in the grave

Will the circle be unbroken?
By and by lord, by and by,
There's a better home a-waitin'
In the sky lord, in the sky.

I went back home, my home was lonesome,
Missed my mother she was gone.
All my brothers and sisters crying
In our home so sad and alone.

Will the circle be unbroken?
By and by lord, by and by,
There's a better home a-waitin'
In the sky lord, in the sky.

We sang the songs of childhood,
Hymns of faith that made us strong,
Ones that our mother had taught us,
Hear the angels sing along

Will the circle be unbroken?
By and by lord, by and by,
There's a better home a-waitin'
In the sky lord, in the sky.

There's a better home a waitin'

I've been writing this blog entry in my head for days. My grandmother passed away early (around 3am I think) last Monday morning. She was in the hospital for a few week because of severe pain. Finally they transferred her to Jackson hospital and they ran more tests to find that she had cancer. Then it took several days to find out the type- stage 4 large cell lung cancer that had spread to her liver and bones. They started chemo and did radiation on her back to ease some of the bone pain. First the chemo didn't have any side effects but then they came hard. Then she got over them felt a little better and then she passed away.

The last time I saw her was Sept 27. We went out of town to NY and then to CT for a wedding the 29th- 2nd. We went to see her in the hospital everyday before our trip except for the 28th because we took Char to Savannah that night after work so Jacob's aunt and granny could babysit Char for us. We got back home that night close to 11pm and we had an early flight that next morning. We had a fabulous time in NY and CT but I don't like to think about it because I regret going. We got up Sunday 2nd (after only having 3 hr sleep) at about 5am, caught a ride to the closest train station, had a 1.5 hr train ride to NY, caught a cab to the airport, then after a 30 mins cab ride we had to late in a very long security line, our flight was about 2.5 hr long, then from Memphis we drove to Savannah to get Char. A long day. By the time we got Char up from her nap, ate a quick dinner, and fed Char it was nearly 8pm when we got home. I called my dad and he said Mammaw was doing good. He told me she wouldn't be able to keep up the chemo and she only had a few months. But they were going to do physical therapy and move her back. I decided I wouldn't go to the hospital that night because I was tired and I missed Charlotte,
My dad called me at 4:47 that next morning to tell me the news. I'm so angry at myself for not going that night.

I'm starting to get over not seeing her that night because I know I had no way of knowing it was her last night. And she wasn't herself in the hospital. The person I knew and miss wasn't the person laying in the hospital bed.

Then I started feeling guilty for not seeing her more while she was healthy. But when I thought back on it, I've seen her alot more this past year than I did the year before. You know why- Charlotte. I have no doubt that Charlotte was born when she was so the family would have a reason to see each other more often in Mammaw's last year. So for that time I'm thankful.

This isn't exactly the beautiful blog post I envisioned writing.

Test from my iphone app

I went to the JAMOM Mommy and Me Consignment sale Saturday and got some great stuff. Great brands: Gymboree, The Children's Place, Old Navy, Gap, Zutano, Carter's, Nautica...
4 PJs, 2 sweaters, hoodie, jeans, 4 shirts, 2 pants, and a overall outfit with matching hat- all for the low low price of $22! Woo
I love a good deal!

Hope this iPhone blog app works good so I can blog more often:)

One bad plum makes the whole lot go bad

I made Char some plums last night. I taste tested a few and they tasted good so I peeled, steamed and pureed them all. I then tasted the finished product- SOUR. yike! I let Char have a quick bit and she was not digging the sour. Apparently a couple plums were not ripe yet and ruined the whole lot. I was pretty bummed but oh well. I was able to make a bunch of zuchini for her and I plan to make up some sweet potato and yellow squash today. We bought some necturines at the farmers market for us to eat but I may mash some of those up for char.





In other news, Char went for her 6 month check up yesterday (4 days before she'll offically be 6 months). She weighs 20 lbs even. She was just shy of doubling her birth weight. She is 28 in long! and I forget the head size but she was 97th percentille in all the categories. The only "bad" thing the doctor said is that she isn't rolling enough. But Char just prefers to sit up or hold on to something and stand. But the doctor says she should be rolling all over the place trying to get into stuff.

Bedding...

So Jacob and I are looking to redecorate (more like decorate for the first time) our bedroom.
We have blue/grey walls and a tan fabric upholstered bed...
Our 2 top choices (so far...) are-

http://www.westelm.com/m/products/spring-floral-duvet-and-shams-b593/moreimages.html?pkey=cduvet-covers

Or

http://www.potterybarn.com/m/products/monreale-paisley-duvet-cover-sham/moreimages.html?pkey=call-duvet-covers-shams

Thoughts?

I like floral and paisley but it can't be TOO feminine for Jacob's liking. I like blues and greens... Calming colors but fun. We are creating a calming/ fun haven:)

Lemme know your ideas

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The wonderful world of solids

Greetings! It's been way too long since I've updated.

Charlotte is getting so big these days. She's standing up when we hold her hands, she's starting solids...it's crazy times. I've told her to slow down some, but she won't listen:)

Charlotte has eaten rice and oatmeal cereals, sweet potatoes and avocado. So far she likes them all. I'm making her baby food and I'm really excited about it. I've gotten a few strange looks when I've told people that I'm making it. But let me clarify- I'm not a 'crunchy mom' ...you know the ones that breastfeed for like 5 years, only use cloth diapers and make their baby organic purees ....not that there's anything wrong with those moms. I like those moms but they get a bad rep of judging other moms who feed their babies poison (aka baby formula and jarred baby food).... All that to say I'm making her food purely because I just enjoy cooking and want to cook for Charlotte. I don't think anything is wrong with canned babyfood. And I'm sure part of my desire to make it may possibly be rooted in my working mom guilt haha. who knows.

So far I'm really enjoying it. For the sweet potato we went to the local farmer's market (I know, I sound crunchy) and picked out th eperfect tater.... Well almost. We walked around forever in the hot sun getting other things and finaly as an after thought we bought the sweet potato at the last and most shady booth there. The sales lady was smoking, the guy unloading was about 100 years old and wearing blue jeans without underwear (just trust me on this one) and there was a screaming baby in the back of their vegatable trailor. Yikes. But she were too tired to go back around to the other vendors. So yeah.... we got her the best sweet potato ever. haha The avocado was cool because it was soo easy-just mash it.

I made squash for her to eat this morning. I'm excited about it because it came from my mom's garden. I mean it just doesn't get much fresher than that!

A little steam action. Then blend it up with my stick blender. The pour it and freeze. presto.



Welp that was a lot of fun. I'll let you know how she likes the squash.

Next weekend I'm thinking we will try banana,pear, or green bean... hmm can't decide. I'm laening towards banana though....

Bummed

I'm kinda bummed out right now. Every week of working (so far away) gets harder and harder. During the week I only get 30 mins with char in the morning and 1-1 1/2 hrs with char at night each day. I get 2 hrs in the car each day but I won't count that as quality time.
Luckily I have every other Friday off and all weekend with her but I still get sad on Sunday knowing it all starts up again Monday:(
My mom (who babysits char) is at the beach this week so Helen is watching Char. She is picking her up tomorrow morning and taking her to savannah til Wednesday. When I rocked her to sleep tonight I didn't want to put her down because I won't see her for 3 days. I'm hoping she wakes up early so I see her before work.
I'm sad but I'm trying to stay positive. I believe we have trials in our lives and face difficult times for a reason.... Right?
I hope this will be one of those things I'll look back on and see Gods plan.

Good night all.
Sorry for being Debbie Downer

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4 months! 16 lbs, 4 oz. 26 3/4inches long:)

It didn't last long

Pumping at work that is.
I'm tired of pumping at work. It sucks. So much to keep up with, parts to wash at night. Blah.

This week we have been supplementing with formula since I haven't been able to pump enough. Char seems to like the formula and it doesn't seem to bother her. Yay! So I officially decided on Wednesday that I'll be transitioning to all formula. I cut out one of my pumping sessions at work yesterday.

Well I didn't pump much before bed and Char wouldn't breastfeed so I wasn't completely surprised when I woke up this morning to a completely soaked tshirt. So gross though.

Anyways. I'm just trying to wean myself slowly... That's all I know to do. I have a feeling this is gonna suck. Haha

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What's new in pictures!

My first day back to work

Charlotte getting ready for early Easter at Nana's

I heart my hands

She loves her Bumbo and her fingers

riding Waldo

Checkin' out her foot

tummy time!

very serious baby

Back2Work

So I finished my 1st week back at work. I have conflicting feelings about it... I miss staying home but I think it's good for me to be out of the house some. Also it is better for me and Jacob's relationship with me working. When I stayed home I kinda resented Jacob for getting a break from Charlotte and I felt like I did everything for her (well actually I did but that was bc I was there all day). Now we have more of a team vibe going. So things feel more balanced bc we both work and both care for Charlotte.

One tough thing about working (besides my 1hr commute) is pumping. I am able to pump 3 times out of my 9.5hr day. I have two 15min breaks and a 30min lunch. 15min just isn't very long to assembly parts, pump and then wipe down the pump parts. I use most of my lunch pumping and then eat a sandwich really fast. It just kinda sucks because I spend all of my break time pumping and not socializing with my coworkers. Oh well.

My mom told me she thought Char needed more milk than what I was bringing everyday, so I told her to start using my freezer stash. Well she steadily starting eating more each day and Friday she ate 26 oz! I had only taken 18oz for her in fresh milk. I decided it was time to think about supplementing with formula.

I called my doctors office and talked to her nurse about formula bc I wasn't sure what kind they recommend or if I needed to mix it with breast milk at first. Well the nurse questioned me about my decision to give formula and told me that it doesn't matter what kind I give Char because all of it will hurt her stomach and make her gassy and fussy. Then she said I might as well use the gentelease to skip the step of me calling saying the regular formula is bothering her stomach then having the nurse say to try the gentelease. She made me feel like an asshole who wanted to give my daughter poison. Talk about kicking me while I'm down.

Char has been taking a bottle well though. Really well. So well that I haven't been able to get her to nurse well today. I think she likes the bottle better now. I'm not sure what makes me feel worse- that she likes a bottle more than nursing or that I like it too:(
I'm gonna keep trying to pump and see how that goes. But I wouldn't be surprised if I don't last much longer. She has taken 3 formula bottles since yesterday and so far so good.

I've found that motherhood is full of guilt a lot of the time. Guilt over returning to work, guilt over not nursing, guilt guilt guilt.

But other than that the first week back has been pretty good- I didn't cry that much at all:)

Char is progressing well. She's liking tummy time more and lifting her head straight up during tummy time. She is grabbing everything and she's always chewing on her hands these days.
And she nearly rolled over this morning! She got part of the way then got stuck and cried.

Well that's all for now:)

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Tomorrow is the big day

I go back to work tomorrow:( The last day I worked was 01/14/11! That seems like forever ago. But at the same time, I feel like my maternity leave flew by.

There were days where I was so frustrated being a new mom house by myself all day that I actually looked forward to going back to work. Mostly I enjoyed my time off. But the days where I couldn't eat without holding her or couldn't shower because I could get her to stop crying or the days she wouldn't nap.... I feel terrible that I actually looked to going back to work those times.

This past week I was pretty sad about going back but still felt like it would be good for me to be outta the house. I think I was so cool about it most of the week because of this whole Federal budget thing. I kept thinking there wouldn't be a budget and I wouldn't go back Monday. So when I found out Friday morning that I was an "essential" employee and would work either way it started to hit me. By that afternoon I was crying a lil bit off and on. Saturday I stared and her alot, cried some, and held her extra close when I rocked her before bed.

When did I get so crazy emotional?

I've also spent the weekend getting all the stuff ready to take to my moms house. I'm trying to stock her house so I'm not packing a diaper bag everyday. Also I have all my pumping supplies ready to go (I think. I hope). Ha
I'm a little worried about the pumping. But if it doesn't work out I'll stop (gradually). The bad thing (for me) and the good thing (for Jacob) about me continuing to breastfeed is that Jacob really can't help me in the morning. He can't get her ready and feed her while I get ready because if he bottle feeds her, then I'll have to pump which takes time too so I might as well breastfeed in the morning too.

Oh well there is much to think about. I'm a worrier and I don't deal well with change so this should be an interesting week. I'm planning on giving myself a pep talk later today and tomorrow.

Wish me luck:)

I'll try to post tomorrow to let you know how it all goes down..,,

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1ht

...aka one hand type.

I had a cranky/ sleepy girl that fell asleep in my arms and I'm not moving her. Hence the one hand type from my iPhone so excuse the grammar and spelling mistakes:)

Let's give an update on Char...
She is now 10 weeks old! Finally made it to the double digits! Woot:)
At her 8 wk appt she was 13 lb and 5oz and 23 3/4in long. She's a big ole girl... Well not abnormally big, just a lil bigger than most babies her age.
She's wearing 3 and 3-6 months size clothes unless it's gerber or fisher price onesies those are 6-9 months. They run small. She loves her play gym. Her favorite things are to kick and swing her arms at the toys above her in the gym. She doesn't understand yet that she is moving them but she has a good time. I think she will be rolling over any day now. But I know she'll be so mad once she rolls over bc she hates being on her stomach.

Ok my arm is going numb, I gotta pee, and I'm hungry... So that's all for now.
Fingers crossed that she stays asleep when I put her in the crib:)

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Charlotte vs the bottle (part2)

(I can't figure out how to post a picture and a blog entry together via my phone so here's the blog entry to go with the picture already posted)

I'm worried about Charlotte taking a bottle while I'm at work. I've read about babies reverse cycling where they move their long stretch of sleep to the middle of the day when they are away from mom and eat a lot at night (aka when I'll want to sleep). She doesn't take a bottle well so I'm trying to have someone give her a bottle everyday. Yesterday my mom gave her a bottle but Char only ate 1/2 oz then fell asleep until I got back then she breastfed well. Today Jacob gave her a bottle and she did a lil better. She fought it alot though. She ended up eating maybe 2oz but was still crying and sucking. I finally breastfed her since she was crying and refusing the rest of the bottle. Boo
It'll get better I'm sure.. I just need to keep introducing the bottle. But still I'm stressing out.
Anyone have trouble with their baby taking a bottle? We have tried nuk, playtex vent air and breastflow bottles. I have a Dr. Brown bottle that I need to sterilize but that bottle is kinda intimidating. I've heard that I should try playtex drop-ins. It may not really matter what bottle we try... She's prolly just too pro-boob right now. Ha

In other news, I was really hoping to go to this retirement party at work tomorrow. But my mom ended up getting shingles so she couldn't watch Charlotte. I had to RSVP by Monday... Then my mom went to the doctor Wednesday morning and he said she was all better now. I should have gambled and RSVPd. I could use a night out hanging out with other adults, plus Jacob has never met my co-workers (one of the downsides of working in another city than where you live). Oh well.
Later gaters

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Charlotte vs the bottle

50+ oz

I hit a milestone yesterday- over 50 oz of pumped milk in storage! Woo! That's what like 2 full days and it only took me like 3 weeks. Ha

We gave Char a bottle of pumped milk last night before bed (which was a dumb idea on my part bc that is usually her cranky time) she took it ok. She tried to drink it as fast as possible and cried when Jacob pulled it away to burp her. I think she got about 3 oz of it. Then in less than an hour she was fussy and sucking her hand so I thought she needed some comfort nursing to go to sleep... Nope she ate for about 20 mins on each side. She wants to eat alot around bedtime sometimes. She slept from 11:30 ish til 6. She only woke me up once in the middle of the night with her wiggles but I went back to sleep pretty quick.

Funny story, as I am typing this, Char is having a major poop in her swing. Ha

Ok I just changed her diaper from above mentioned swing poop and it came through the diapers leg opening and got all over her. There's something about that swing... If she poops while in it, I'm probably gonna have to change her outfit.

I'm pumping while typing this... I'm still not sure about what I'm going to do when I go back to work. I'm not sure if I want to spend all my breaks and lunch (aka the only time I have to interact with other adults) pumping in our office's tiny IT closet. Especially if I'm not going to be pumping enough anyways....

On another note, Charlotte is getting baptized this Sunday! Woo so exciting. She has a beautiful gown to wear- can't wait to post pictures. I'm new to this whole baby baptism thing but excited to see her become a member of the church and have everyone embrace her as a child of God.

That's all for now:)

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Greetings this early morn

So remember that time I bragged about Char sleeping 6 hours at night? Well Friday night she only slept 4 :( but she went back to sleep after she ate for another 3 hrs. Not bad.

Last night she woke me up after 3 hrs. I get out of bed to get her, and she's asleep. Then she wakes up again, then asleep again. She doesn't cry or anything just kicks and grunts. Keep in mind she sleeps in a pack n play by my side of the bed so there isn't much lag time between her waking up and me getting to her. She does that most nights. I wake up when she makes the slightest stirring. Then it takes me a lil while to go back to sleep.... So really even though she sleeps 4-6 hrs straight at night, I don't. Boo

I'm up now feeding her. And man am I hurting. My right breast is way engorged. For some reason the past few days I've been really engorged in the morning- I guess because she's sleeping longer. So I have been feeding her on one side and pumping the other. I usually pump the right. For some reason my left side doesn't respond as well to the pump, yet Char never has any trouble with it. After a few days of pumping the right in the morning and today only my right side is engorged and my left side just feels very full. The body is s weird yet amazing thing. I know that was TMI but whatever.

Maybe Charlotte will sleep for about 4 more hours this morning... Maybe? Yeah prolly not.

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Long time, no type

6 weeks ago I had my baby girl:) I can't believe it's been long she's getting so old. But at the same time it seems like forever ago that I had her.

She's doing really well. She has been sleeping 6 hours every night for a lil over a week now. But since she's been sleeping so long, she's been wanting to eat every 2 hrs during the day. So needless to say it's very hard to do anything during the day. It seems like all I do is breastfeed all day long. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy breastfeeding most of the time but it takes alot of time and alot of planning if we ever go anywhere. I have a nursing cover but I'm too nervous about actually nursing in public even if it's just in front of friends and family. So every time I nurse I go somewhere private... It can get old.

I'm trying to decide what to do about feeding when I go back to work. I've been trying to pump some now but it doesn't seem like it's gonna be enough to feed her when I'm not with her. I'm sure I'll be able to pump more when I'm not around her. But idk
Part of me doesn't even want to try to pump because I'll have enough to worry about. I'll be working 7am-4:30pm, with an hour commute and I'll have to worry about getting Char up and dropped off at my mom's. I'll be busy busy. But that's not too much to handle, moms handle more than that everyday.

Speaking of busy moms, I'm realizing that it's hard being a stay at home mom. I'm not sure how they get anything done. I'm sure I'll get better at being productive, it'll just take time.

Me and Char had doctors appointments Tuesday and we both look great. I'm healing well and Charlotte is growing. She's 12 lbs now. Wow big girl.

That's all for now. I'll try to be a better blogger in future:)

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Guess who is 6 weeks old? :)

Post Partum

So I'll pick up where I left off with Charlotte's birth story...

So she was delivered. I saw her for a few seconds and then she was whisked away to get cleaned up and have a few tests run. I know they did several blood sugar tests on her while we were there- not sure if that is standard for all babies or just the gigantic ones. Anyways. They sent Jacob to my recovery room while they sewed me up. For some reason he wasn't allowed to be in there when they first started (I was already open when he got into the OR) or when they finished and closed me up. Anywho I had to go to my recovery room before going to my regular room to see Charlotte. I was in recovery for like an hour. They hooked me up to a pain medicine pump that I clicked whenever I had pain and that stayed with me til the morning. I was reluctant to use it at first but then I warmed up and clicked it all the time;) Before they got that going, Jacob said they had to give me 4 shots for pain. I think he said I got morphine and versed? maybe. I remember they kept pressing on my stomach to make me pass all my clots. That was not fun.

All our family came to see us in the recovery room for a little while. They got to see Charlotte in the nursery and they got to see her get all cleaned up. She was apparently not only the biggest baby there but also the most beautiful;) Our family left before I got put in my room because it was late and it was snowing and the roads were getting bad.

I got to the our regular room and they brought Charlotte in and I learned how to breastfeed. Then she went to the nursery. Then I had the longest night ever, I'm not sure I slept at all. Several nurses came in to check my incision. It was bleeding some so they kept tracing around the bleeding on my bandage so they could keep track with how much the bleeding was changing. And they pressed on my stomach again to push out any clots. Finally they called the doctor about my bleeding and he ordered some medicine to stop it. The medicine didn't go in my mouth or via my IV or shot so I'll let you use your imagination on that one. ha

The next night I had a fever so they next day when the doctor came around she massaged my uterus and I screamed/cried. She said I had endometritis. It's a uterine infection women get who push for extended periods of time and then end up getting a c-section. That's all I really know about it. They put me on 3 antibiotics via IV. They rotated them every hour or so. Then I would get a break from them and then they would start them up again. My IV from the Labor and Delivery room finally gave out after a couple days and I had to get a new one. I hate hate hate blood, needles and IVs. So I got the new one early one morning and then later that night they had to take it out and start a new one. BOO. I think I messed up the 2nd one while trying to get Charlotte positioned for breastfeeding. Did I mention that I hate IVs? I really just hate the idea of any kind of needles.

Me and Jacob got though a lot of tough stuff in the hospital. I remember crying a lot and not really knowing why. Well I'm sure alot of it was just being in the hospital sucked. We had several milestones besides the drama of the IVs and meds. For one, I had trouble peeing. It is really hard to remember how to pee after having the catheter in. The nurse had to threaten me with another catheter if I didn't pee. So I ran some water in the sink and pushed on my stomach/bladder until it happened. I have never been so happy to pee:) Then I wouldn't get the urge to pee so I would be reminded to go to the bathroom and I couldn't hardly stand up I had to pee so bad. One time I peed 24oz! They had this thing in the toilet that measure my pee- 24 oz! I know its gross to talk about but oh well. I made Jacob wittiness the large amount of pee whether he wanted to or not. ha
Then I had to shower (on a shower chair) and removed the dressing on my incision. That was tough. Jacob actually had to do it for me. It felt good to be clean but it wasn't the best shower I ever had.
Then I had to ban everyone from making jokes around me because it hurt so much to laugh. One time I laughed while eating and nearly choked. That was fun.

All in all a pretty miserable hospital stay for me and Jacob. Jacob had to take care of me and Charlotte, plus the little sleep he got was on the oh so comfy couch in my room. But we finally got to leave 1/24/2011. We were soo excited all morning about leaving. We really could not have gotten out of there any faster.

That week our mom's took turns staying with us. They cooked, cleaned, watched Charlotte so we could sleep. Those were good times:)

I feel like I didn't do this entry justice... I wanted to convey that I hated staying in the hospital. Did that come across? ;)

Breastfeeding is hard

I had a tough time at the hospital Breastfeeding because it was new, I was exhausted, I couldn't rest her on my stomach, my IV got in the way, sore nipples, etc...

I was happy that the first week home we started doing really well with the BFing. But the past few days have been bad. She is feeding for shorter amounts of time and more often. She goes crazy latching, unlatching, crying, latching, unlatching... Then she wiggles around so much it's hard to get her on there, and flails her arms in the way or tries to eat her hands. She grunts and growls at me, hits my boob.
I'm frustrated.
I've tried different positions, pillow supports, places...
She will eventually eat some. But with all the drama she does it takes up so much time that next thing I know it's time to feed her again. I feel like I'll continually feeding her.

I looked online and she might have been going through a growth spurt and that was the reason for the increased amount of feedings. And her unlatching could be because I have a fast letdown. It doesn't feel fast and I'm not a leaker.
Oh well it's got to get better. Right?
Right.

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2 weeks. 10lb 8oz, 22 inches long

The last belly shot- 41 weeks

At 1 week

The birth story

This was supposed to be on the 'Charlotte is here post' with the picture but it doesn't look like it went through so I'll send it again....

Ok that's old news- Charlotte was born 2 weeks ago today on 1/20/11 at 8:26pm via c-section. She was 10 lbs 5 oz and 20 inches.  Now 2 weeks later she is 10 lb 8oz and 22 inches. She's in the normal range of a 2 month old for her height, weight, and head size.  
The picture at the top is of her on the day we got to leave the hospital 1/24/11.

We had to stay 4 nights in the hospital- it was terrible. Don't get me wrong our hospital, the doctors and nurses were all great but the experience was not good. I have never been so exhausted in my life.

Well I guess I should give you the birth story...
We went to the doctor the 18th bc we couldn't wait any longer. We were at the doctor the 13th and he 'stretched' me and was sure I would go into labor that weekend. It didn't happen so I moved my 41 wk appt up a couple days. Well I was 4cm and 80% effaced . So the doctor told me they should induce especially since she thought it was a big baby. She thought big was 8 or 8.5lbs. They scheduled me to go in at 6am the 20th.
The 20th...
We check in at 6am and wait for 30 mins or more before we are taken up to labor and delivery. We were already kinda tired because of course we had trouble sleeping the night before. 
Well we get up to the room and o change into a lovely gown and they hook me up to all the monitors and start my iv antibiotics for the group b strep. I was surprised to see I was having somewhat steady contractions every 3 mins or so but I couldn't feel them. The doctor was supposed to come in at 8am so of course it was closer to 9am when he came. I was still 4cm. He started a very low dose of pitocin and ordered it to be increase slightly every 30 mins or hour I can't remember. 

I'm a lil fuzzy on the times but they broke my water a little after 1pm. That's when things started hurting. Everyone says getting your water broken doesn't hurt but it sure hurt me. Well the contractions intensified. The first one that really started hurting took my breath. Jacob had to keep me from hyperventilating. I remember in our birth class the instructor saying people would forget to breathe during contractions and I thought what idiot would do that- apparently this idiot would. 
Well I didn't take the hard contractions very long, I got my epidural a lil before 2pm. It was the weirdest thing. It didn't hurt getting it, it just felt... Well weird. Good description. Jacob had to leave while I got the epidural- I don't think he was doing well at this point. He didn't like seeing me hurt so much. They put a catheter and a fetal monitor in at that point. I felt like I have stuff all over me and I didn't like it much- IV, heart monitor on my belly, catheter, fetal monitor, epidural thingy, blood pressure cuff that checked my bp every so often and an o2 finger thing then later an oxygen mask. In order words a very natural birth. Ha 
I made Jacob go get some food around 4pm. And about 10 minutes later I kept worrying the crap out of my mom asking where he was and why he wasn't back. I just kept feeling a lot of pressure. Everything annoyed me at that point. Jacob was gone maybe 20 mins and when he got back I told him I felt ALOT of pressure. I felt like I needed to go to the bathroom- #2. my mom left and the nurse came in to check me- sure enough fully dilated and effaced. She prepped the room and had me pushing around 4:30 or 5 ish. I pushed and pushed. The nurses put me in the strangest positions. They yelled/ 'coached' at me when I forgot to breathe the right way or couldn't push hard enough. They had me doing 3 or 4 pushes with each contraction. And I felt like I was doing the biggest loser workout. Ha. One nurse had to leave after an hour to help with a c-section. So another nurse came in for an hour. Again Jacob was great. I got annoyed a few times when he kept reminding me how to breathe during my pushes. Ha but I needed it. I didn't yell at him any, so that a plus:)
Well after about 2 hours of pushing and she was only at 0 station, the doctor came in to watch me push and checked me and the baby. He said she was face up (you want face down) and she was twisted a little bit. He recommended a c-section but would let me try to have her vaginally if I wanted. But he was afraid that with her size and position, she would get stuck in the birth canal and I would still need a c-section. 
So we went for the c-section. Since it wasn't an emergency we had to wait til 8 for an OR to free up. 
I'm not sure I can explain how scared I was before and during the c-section. The CRNA came in and added something to my epidural to make it stronger. Then everything kinda went hazy. Maybe not because of the meds but more bc I was freaked. I was wheeled to the OR while Jacob got dressed in his scrubs. They put me on the table and strapped one of my arms down and put up the big blue curtain so I couldn't see anything from the chest down. I started shaking really bad. They said the epidural could cause that so the CRNA asked if I wanted anything to stop the shakes and calm me. YES. It worked. Jacob came in and sat on one side of me and he watched the surgery. It was so strange because I could feel the pressure of everything they were doing. It didn't hurt but I could tell they were opening me up. They told me at one point I would feel pressure on my chest like somebody was standing on it. Jacob said that a nurse was standing on the table pushing Charlotte out at that point. Charlotte was apparently still being stubborn. Then out of nowhere I heard her cry. What a great sound. I heard everyone talking about how big she was and trying to guess her weight. No one got close to 10lb 5oz. Then Jacob brought her to me to see while they were sewing me up. She was beautiful. She had a conehead on the side of her head, but it straightened out by the time I saw her again. Jacob left while they finished with me then I met him in the recovery room. I had her at 8:26pm and I don't think I got to hold her until around 10:30.

It was not the birth experience I had hoped for by any means- I wanted to be able to hold her immediately and not be loopy from the drugs and have our family meet her right away....
But the end result was great. And Charlotte was completely healthy and safe. So we couldn't ask for more than that. 

This has been a long post. I'll write about my after birth experience in the next post...
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Charlotte is here

Eviction date: 01/20/2011

We went in for my weekly Ob appointment. I rescheduled my appointment from Thursday to today because we were getting antsy. Well it was a terrible visit to start with...well scratch that the visit wasn't terrible but it was terrible that we had to sit in the waiting room for over an hour before they called me back. They have never made us wait anywhere close to that long. Jacob was a nervous wreck to begin with and it only got worse to longer we waited.

I saw a doctor today that I hadn't seen before and I really liked her. She checked my cervix and said I was 4cm (nearly half way there) and 80% effaced. The baby's head is in the downward position. All my other stats were fine: weight the same, normal BP, trace protein in my urine. She commented that from feeling the baby's head that she was a "good sized" baby. I asked her to estimate Charlotte's weight, so she felt of my whole stomach and she said 8 to 8 1/2 pounds (+/- 20%). Because I'm so far along and the baby is pretty big they wanted to induce soon. If they wait too long then Charlotte could be too big for a vaginal birth.

They wanted to schedule me for an induction tomorrow morning but they already had 4 scheduled (and apparently that's alot). So they were going to schedule it for a 5pm induction tomorrow. But when they called the doctor that would be on call then he said he wouldn't do it that late because of the baby's size. He was afraid that if I ended up needing a c-section then it could be the middle of the night and apparently they don't like to do those that late. So they scheduled us for Thursday 6am with Dr. Soll.

They said they are going to try breaking my water first to see if it puts me into labor instead of starting the pitocin. They think since I'm dilated so much that all I really need is a few good contractions to jump start things. I've been having contractions but not timeable at all. I had a couple uncomfortable ones today too. But they just won't keep going. So if breaking my water doesn't start things then they will start the pitocin. She told me not to worry about the labor being worse when you are induced because it's just a myth that it hurts more when you are induced. She said the truth is labor is painful and terrible either way. haha I appreciated her honesty.

Well that's all I know for now. It's been a pretty emotional day for me and Jacob. I hope he can make it until Thursday. I've NEVER known Jacob to get anxious or stressed out about anything ever since I've known him but he sure is now. I think I would be stressing out right now but he's doing enough for the both of us:)

I really wanted the drama of "OMG I'm in labor and the baby's is coming". It seems kinda anti climatic like "oh btw we have an appointment to get this baby out". But the end result is the same. Plus the risk of complications go up the longer she stays in there so she really does need to come out soon. And really I guess she still has until 6am Thursday to make her debut...alot can happen in 37ish hours:)

Awkwardness

Ok just so you know, I'm aware that having sex is suppose to induce labor.
So you can stop telling me about it like its this new thing that nobody has ever heard of. It's just creepy for random people to try to talk to me about sex especially on facebook.
If you've never talked to me about sex before, let's not start now.
Ok bye

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40 week and 3 days

I'm still pregnant.
I really thought Charlotte would have been here by now. The doctor seemed to think she would be here this weekend. But apparently he was wrong. boo!
Just in case you're wondering how long my pregnancy can last... a Moroccan lady was pregnant for 46 YEARS.
Maybe tomorrow I should start trying all the labor inducing myths I've read about on the interwebs- walking or eating the special labor foods like pineapple, labor salad , labor cookies , spicy foods and eggplant parmesan.
Today Jacob and I ate some spicy food at Coyote Blues and then we walked around quite a bit. Then I was exhausted and I took a 2 hour nap:)

Ok that's all for now.

D day

So today is the day.
Charlotte is due today! But really what baby ever comes when she's supposed to?

I had my doctor's visit today and all looks well. I lost the weight that I gained last week. I'm still pretty embarrassed at how much I weigh. I mean I really don't care that much because that all part of being pregnant so I'll worry about it in a few weeks.

The doctor checked me and I was 3cm dilated. He said that was good progress for 1 week. I had several contractions yesterday so I guess they were some productive ones. The doctor also 'stretched' me out during the internal exam and he said it could put me into labor. He thinks I'll have her in the next couple days. Maybe tonight. Who knows.

Ok that's all for now:)

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Another update...

So we've had some bad weather here in the mid-south. It snowed pretty hard here in Jackson but unfortunately it didn't snow so much in Dyersburg where I work. So I had to use one of my vacation days to stay home today:( That means one more day of unpaid maternity leave. Boo. Oh well. It wasn't worth it to me to get out and drive in the snow and ice 40 miles away while I'm 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant.

So I got to catch up on some sleep this morning that I missed out on last night.
I started cleaning up today but didn't get a whole lot done til I pooped out. I'm taking a lil break now watching The Hangover. This movie is hilarious. I'm laughing so hard my stomach hurts.

Back to the baby news, 3 days away from the due date. Woo. I'm trying to enjoy these last few days before she gets here and just take it easy.
I should probably feel guilty about being so lazy but I don't. Haha
Hope everyone is safe and warm in this cold snowy weather.

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The Final Countdown

39 weeks and 3 days and no baby yet. The way some people act it's like they think that we are going to hide the baby from them. We had our 39 week check up Friday and when we got out of there (we were there an hour) we had like 5 or 6 text about the baby. Trust me EVERYONE will know when Charlotte is on her way. She won't just sneak into the world and a week later we'll say btw we had a baby. lol Just had to throw that out there.

Speaking of Charlotte getting here. We really thought she was close to coming Thursday and Friday. Thursday night I was having contractions in the bed and we my stomach would tighten she would punch/kick the crap out of me. And there was alot of pressure and movement really really low. So needless to say I had trouble sleeping. Friday morning I woke up cramping and feeling like I was going to start my period and I felt nauseous. I went ahead and went to work but I kept feeling worse. So I came home from work early and took a nap until about 3:45ish. Then Jacob got home and took me to the our doctor's appointment. Jacob kept asking me if I was ok because I was pale. I just felt crappy that day. That's the only way to explain it- crappy.

So the doctor's appointment... Everything looks good. I gained back the weight I had lost at my last visit. My BP was normal. I think my urine had a trace of protein but normal. I was dilated a "loose" 1cm. He said I was a loose one. My dad said I should have said enough about how I got into this situation, am I dilated any? haha ok but seriously. I rotate seeing the different doctors and the one I saw Friday has always said that a woman's first baby usually comes past the due date so he talked a little bit about induction. He said that they definitely will not make me wait past 42 weeks (1/27) but they may induce at 41 weeks depending on my progress. If I am dilated a lil more and effaced at my next visit then they will probably talk about inducing around 41 weeks, if I haven't made anymore progress they'll probably make me wait a lil longer, closer to the 42 weeks. I really don't want to be induced though, I've heard it hurts more than natural labor because it condenses the labor to a shorter time period. But I'm getting an epidural. Plus it will hurt either way so I'm just going to try to go with the flow...whatever needs to be done to get Charlotte here healthy is fine with me.

After the doctor, we had planned on going to Outback to use a gift care we got for Christmas but I still wasn't feeling up to it so we grabbed some food at Zaxby's and I instantly started feeling better. We took it easy Friday night. Saturday we got somethings put up in the nursery. We still have a few final touches and a few things to hang on the wall., but all in all I think it looks good:) After we worked a lil bit in the nursery we took it easy Saturday too. I got a nap in. Today I slept in and got a 3 hour nap this afternoon. I needed it since I woke up every couple hours last night. I'm guessing it's my body's way of getting me ready for the nightly feedings:)

Now for pictures...

We decided to make a collage of photos for the artwork over her crib. We cut out pieces of paper to match the frame size so we could rearrange before Jacob nailed anything up.



Up close shot of the picture collage. I framed her ultrasound photo, some fabric swatches from her bedding, and then I made some pictures with my scrapbooking stuff. I really like the All you need is love pictures.


In the 3- 8x10 frames we are going to put a picture of her and me and Jacob's baby pictures.

We found a mirror that matched our basket for the changing table and hamper. I think it looks good. I was a little bit worried about having a big mirror over the changing table but Jacob used some pretty intense hardware to get it to stay up there. We jumped around and hit the wall to test it out. So I don't think it's going anywhere.

My next project is to organize these shelves so they don't look like the catch-all area that they have been the past few months.

Another shot of the changing table/dresser before the mirror.


I have a framed picture of Charlotte's name that we are going to hang on the wall with the lamp. The cozy bay window- Looks like the perfect place to rock a screaming baby at 2am.

Sleep is for the weak

I haven't slept well since before Christmas. Thursday night I slept 7 hours straight- it was glorious! Friday night wasn't terrible, but I woke up 2 or 3 times. Tonight (or last night- Saturday night) I went to bed around 11ish and I finally got up a lil before 4 because I had already woken up 3 times. I've had a cold since like Tuesday night/Wednesday and I thought I had gotten better but yesterday I started feeling crappy again. I have been sneezing constantly, running nose, coughing and congested. ugh. My eyes are so itchy and puffy I can't sleep. I took some sudafed a little bit ago so my plan is to stay up until I'm exhausted and then sleep the whole day today (Sunday) sounds good...in theory. I'll get back to you on how that works out for me.

Even though I've felt crappy this weekend we have gotten alot done on the cleaning the house/preparing for baby front. We took down all of our Christmas decorations and stashed them in the attic and we nearly have all of our presents put away. I did some organizing in the baby room and we have decided where we want to hang the stuff on the walls. We picked out curtains for the bay window. The bay window is tricky tricky. Not only is it a tricky shape but it has a shelves built above it so it makes it hard to get a rod to fit. BUT Jacob prevailed. We have 2 different kinds of rods we have to take back and exchange for the rods we found that do work but we do have 2 curtains hung up right now and they look good!

Yesterday we went to Target and spent all of our gift cards and cash for our showers. We bought our travel system (infant car seat and stroller), extra crib sheets, sheet savers, pacifiers, laundry hamper, a basket for the dresser/changing table, 2 matching baskets for the book shelves, and some toiletries for my hospital bag. We looked pretty funny at Target because we had so much stuff that we each had to have a shopping cart. Jacob got our stroller put together in about 5 mins and it is so easy to use (granted we played with it sans baby). I love how the infant carrier/car seat pops in and out of the car seat base and stroller so easily.

I packed my hospital bag. So I've got that ready by the door. I also have another bag that is empty so we can throw Jacob's stuff (PJs, change of clothes and toiletries) into last minute. But I had to pack my essential stuff because Jacob was afraid if I didn't then he would have to pack at the last minute and we would end up with a bag full of nonsense like screw drivers, one shoe, waldo, and peanut butter. I still haven't packed my "going home" outfit though. I only have like 3 pair of maternity pants that I enjoy wearing so I don't want to pack one of them now because they will be out of my wardrobe circulation til Charlotte comes. So I'll just grab whatever is clean when labor comes.

I'm hoping that a sense of calm will magically come over me when this labor business comes because right now I'm not sure I'm ready for this. But ready or not she's coming in 11 days (ish)! That's nuts.

Tomorrow, well I guess today, Jacob should have the curtains up in Charlotte's room so I'll try to post some pictures. Her room is really looking good and I'm so glad we only have a few minor details to finish up.

Alright... I think it's time for me to try to get some sleep.