By and by Lord, by and by

I've been in a funk the past week. I've been thinking a lot. I have tried the ole Ferguson grief technique of pushing all feelings way down deep but they always find a way out. Plus, I'm not near as stoic as some of my family is or like I try to be. I do most of my thinking when I rock Char to sleep. That time used to be my quiet time to pray but the past few days I haven't prayed. I start to but my mind wonders.
Here's a few things I think about:

I hate that my Mammaw died in the hospital. I can't stop dwelling on the fact that when she left her house to go get her back pain checked out that she wouldn't ever go back. I wish she would have died at home where she was comfortable.

She did however die holding my dad's and his sister's hands. So even though she wasn't at home, she wasn't alone. Even better she was with her kids. How poetic that she was there for their first breaths of life and they were there for her last.

I've been thinking a lot about the roles we have in life. My Mammaw was mother to 5 kids, sister to 10 siblings, grandmother to 11 grandkids, and great grandmother to 6 great grandkids. I have always just been daughter and granddaughter. Then in recent years I've become wife and mother. And now that all of my grandparents are gone I'm not granddaughter anymore. Charlotte has slipped in to my role, me into my parents role and now they into my grandparents roles. True we have had these roles since January when Char was born. But it's different now. I feel older and feel more responsibility somehow. Maybe because my parents no longer have the child role. As cheesy as it sounds-it's the circle of life. My parents don't seem old enough to be like the grandparents I remember. But maybe that's because I don't feel old enough to be my parents.

My Mammaw's house was the last connection to my childhood. I don't have that childhood home. Mammaw's was the only place I had that stayed the same my whole life. It will be a sad day when they sell it. As long as I can remember we have always has Christmas at Mammaw's and the word is we will all try to get together there again this year.

Along with the Christmas train of thought, she always made hello dollie cookies. Always. They were packed into the tins that she collected. She was so thrifty. She never would have bought a new Christmas tin for her cookies, she just saved the ones she had. Also no matter what the meal was we had, even takeout, she always made me green beans. Because I loved her fresh green beans.

This is common but I feel like I need some sort of closure or something. I feel the need to honor her some way or make a way to remember her by. Something. She loved Unity Broadcasting and her obituary requested people to make donations on lieu of flowers. I haven't donated yet. I feel like it isn't enough. She always saved cans and cashed them in for money even though she didn't need it. She was very thrifty and throwing away cans would have been like throwing money in the trash. I thought about saving our cans and donating that money to unity broadcasting. That would have more meaning perhaps. I dunno.

Another random thought, I wasn't completely sure about having a 2nd kid but now I'm thinking it would be nice to have a big family like Mammaw did. 5 kids? Hmm maybe not that many. 3? 4? I dunno. I bet it sure was nice to have so many people to love you and to love.

Will the circle be unbroken

This was played at the funeral:


I was standing by my window
On a cold and cloudy day
When I saw the hearse come rollin'
For to take my mother away.

Will the circle be unbroken?
By and by lord, by and by,
There's a better home a-waitin'
In the sky lord, in the sky.

I told the undertaker:
"undertaker, please drive slow,
For this body you are haulin'
Lord, I hate to see her go".

Will the circle be unbroken?
By and by lord, by and by,
There's a better home a-waitin'
In the sky lord, in the sky.

Well I followed close behind her,
Tried to hold up and be brave,
But I could not hide my sorrow
When they laid her in the grave

Will the circle be unbroken?
By and by lord, by and by,
There's a better home a-waitin'
In the sky lord, in the sky.

I went back home, my home was lonesome,
Missed my mother she was gone.
All my brothers and sisters crying
In our home so sad and alone.

Will the circle be unbroken?
By and by lord, by and by,
There's a better home a-waitin'
In the sky lord, in the sky.

We sang the songs of childhood,
Hymns of faith that made us strong,
Ones that our mother had taught us,
Hear the angels sing along

Will the circle be unbroken?
By and by lord, by and by,
There's a better home a-waitin'
In the sky lord, in the sky.

There's a better home a waitin'

I've been writing this blog entry in my head for days. My grandmother passed away early (around 3am I think) last Monday morning. She was in the hospital for a few week because of severe pain. Finally they transferred her to Jackson hospital and they ran more tests to find that she had cancer. Then it took several days to find out the type- stage 4 large cell lung cancer that had spread to her liver and bones. They started chemo and did radiation on her back to ease some of the bone pain. First the chemo didn't have any side effects but then they came hard. Then she got over them felt a little better and then she passed away.

The last time I saw her was Sept 27. We went out of town to NY and then to CT for a wedding the 29th- 2nd. We went to see her in the hospital everyday before our trip except for the 28th because we took Char to Savannah that night after work so Jacob's aunt and granny could babysit Char for us. We got back home that night close to 11pm and we had an early flight that next morning. We had a fabulous time in NY and CT but I don't like to think about it because I regret going. We got up Sunday 2nd (after only having 3 hr sleep) at about 5am, caught a ride to the closest train station, had a 1.5 hr train ride to NY, caught a cab to the airport, then after a 30 mins cab ride we had to late in a very long security line, our flight was about 2.5 hr long, then from Memphis we drove to Savannah to get Char. A long day. By the time we got Char up from her nap, ate a quick dinner, and fed Char it was nearly 8pm when we got home. I called my dad and he said Mammaw was doing good. He told me she wouldn't be able to keep up the chemo and she only had a few months. But they were going to do physical therapy and move her back. I decided I wouldn't go to the hospital that night because I was tired and I missed Charlotte,
My dad called me at 4:47 that next morning to tell me the news. I'm so angry at myself for not going that night.

I'm starting to get over not seeing her that night because I know I had no way of knowing it was her last night. And she wasn't herself in the hospital. The person I knew and miss wasn't the person laying in the hospital bed.

Then I started feeling guilty for not seeing her more while she was healthy. But when I thought back on it, I've seen her alot more this past year than I did the year before. You know why- Charlotte. I have no doubt that Charlotte was born when she was so the family would have a reason to see each other more often in Mammaw's last year. So for that time I'm thankful.

This isn't exactly the beautiful blog post I envisioned writing.