By and by Lord, by and by

I've been in a funk the past week. I've been thinking a lot. I have tried the ole Ferguson grief technique of pushing all feelings way down deep but they always find a way out. Plus, I'm not near as stoic as some of my family is or like I try to be. I do most of my thinking when I rock Char to sleep. That time used to be my quiet time to pray but the past few days I haven't prayed. I start to but my mind wonders.
Here's a few things I think about:

I hate that my Mammaw died in the hospital. I can't stop dwelling on the fact that when she left her house to go get her back pain checked out that she wouldn't ever go back. I wish she would have died at home where she was comfortable.

She did however die holding my dad's and his sister's hands. So even though she wasn't at home, she wasn't alone. Even better she was with her kids. How poetic that she was there for their first breaths of life and they were there for her last.

I've been thinking a lot about the roles we have in life. My Mammaw was mother to 5 kids, sister to 10 siblings, grandmother to 11 grandkids, and great grandmother to 6 great grandkids. I have always just been daughter and granddaughter. Then in recent years I've become wife and mother. And now that all of my grandparents are gone I'm not granddaughter anymore. Charlotte has slipped in to my role, me into my parents role and now they into my grandparents roles. True we have had these roles since January when Char was born. But it's different now. I feel older and feel more responsibility somehow. Maybe because my parents no longer have the child role. As cheesy as it sounds-it's the circle of life. My parents don't seem old enough to be like the grandparents I remember. But maybe that's because I don't feel old enough to be my parents.

My Mammaw's house was the last connection to my childhood. I don't have that childhood home. Mammaw's was the only place I had that stayed the same my whole life. It will be a sad day when they sell it. As long as I can remember we have always has Christmas at Mammaw's and the word is we will all try to get together there again this year.

Along with the Christmas train of thought, she always made hello dollie cookies. Always. They were packed into the tins that she collected. She was so thrifty. She never would have bought a new Christmas tin for her cookies, she just saved the ones she had. Also no matter what the meal was we had, even takeout, she always made me green beans. Because I loved her fresh green beans.

This is common but I feel like I need some sort of closure or something. I feel the need to honor her some way or make a way to remember her by. Something. She loved Unity Broadcasting and her obituary requested people to make donations on lieu of flowers. I haven't donated yet. I feel like it isn't enough. She always saved cans and cashed them in for money even though she didn't need it. She was very thrifty and throwing away cans would have been like throwing money in the trash. I thought about saving our cans and donating that money to unity broadcasting. That would have more meaning perhaps. I dunno.

Another random thought, I wasn't completely sure about having a 2nd kid but now I'm thinking it would be nice to have a big family like Mammaw did. 5 kids? Hmm maybe not that many. 3? 4? I dunno. I bet it sure was nice to have so many people to love you and to love.